January 22nd, 2009
by
Shannan Palma
It has been forever since I posted over here, but I thought some of y’all might enjoy this list, or at least have some of your own criteria to add (cross-posted from FoulPapers).
Based on some of my recent fiction reading travails, I am gaining a real expertise in badly written fiction, and I thought I would share some of the warning signs I’ve identified. Some of these criteria apply more to science fiction / fantasy, others more to paranormal / thriller romances. Since there’s been increasing overlap in the best of the urban fantasy genre and the paranormal romance genre, I figure some of the crap overlaps as well. The illustrious Christian (a.k.a. my brother) helped me with some of these. Please feel free to add your own criteria in the comments.
- Are the characters’ names impossible to pronounce? Alternatively, when you pronounce them, do you realize that they are actually homonyms for scary-sounding English words? If the book is not written by Tolkien and is not a parody, it might be a Bad Book.
- Do the characters glower at each other menacingly? Do they wear a lot of leather and call each other by French terms of endearment? Do the men have long hair and faces too beautiful to be borne? If it’s not early Laurel K., you might be reading a Bad Book.
- Do your villains have implicit/explicit homosexual tendencies that reflect the unthinking homophobia and unimaginative laziness of the author? If so, you might be reading a Bad Book.
- Do your characters experience instantaneous mind-blowing attraction that causes them to act in increasingly stupid ways so that the plot moves forward because only mind-numbing lust could possibly justify how ridiculously moronic the otherwise lethal/professional/intelligent characters are suddenly acting? If so, you might be reading a Bad Book.
- Does anyone lurk? If someone’s lurking, you might be reading a Bad Book.
- If you get to the end of the first chapter and all you know about the protags is the detritus of their lives and nothing that makes you think that detritus has a point — if you can’t remember their names, or what they’re fighting for, or who the villain is (and you don’t care) — you might be reading a Bad Book.
- If your characters repeatedly ask each other to explain complicated plot points in a clearly expository fashion because otherwise you-the-reader would presumably have no idea what’s going on, you might be reading a Bad Book.
- If the physical description of the male protagonist brings to mind Fabio, Arnold, or Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, or if that of the female protagonist is eerily like Pamela Anderson or Angelina Jolie, you might be reading a Bad Book. Don’t judge a book by its cover, judge it by its capacity for imagination.
- If the cover of the book is more interesting than the first chapter, you might be reading a Bad Book.
- If your main characters spend a great deal of time early in the book thinking about their respective Frozen Insides and Hardened Hearts, then meet each other, and suddenly it’s like someone put the microwave on thaw and Unchained Melody on the radio, you might be reading a Bad Book.
- Does the book begin with some sort of random sex scene meant to show you how desirable / virile one of the protags is because if you don’t know about his / her addictive sexuality you won’t understand why they’re supposed to be attractive given their lack of any other character traits of note? If so, you might be reading a Bad Book. Actually, you almost certainly are. Hopefully you didn’t pay money for it. If you did, I’m sorry. … Did you keep the receipt?
- Do your female characters sit around a lot thinking about how stupid they are, and how nice it is that the big strong hero will always protect them, even though they’re totally unworthy of the hero’s affection or respect? Do your male characters run around protecting the women-folk from their own Too Stupid to Live follies, doling out bruising, punishing kisses after the big rescue? If so, you’re definitely reading a Bad Book, no maybe about it. Go wash out your brain with Catherine MacKinnon Use the Listerine approach, though. Don’t take internally.
image by florian.b (This image is actually meant to warn against book banning. Spread the word! Even Bad Books deserve to exist. How else will we snark them?)
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Shannan Palma at
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Filed under Books & Literature, Sexuality & queerness, female characters | Comments (20)
[...] cross-posted on Feminist SF [...]
This is great! I’d like to add one of my own, inpsired by an unfortunate encounter with Robin McKinley’s Chalice a few weeks ago:
13. If the author uses black skin as a symbol for all that is inhuman, scary, and dangerous in the first chapter, you are definitely reading a Bad Book. Return to the library as soon as possible with a post-it-note in the front cover warning unsuspecting readers.
My goodness. The UPS guy delivered several of these very books yesterday (I didn’t request them — just have some Book Good Fairies in my life, and I am deeply appreciative. But this kind of book should just stop now.)
Love, C.
If any type of romance only has 2 “on camera” characters, it is probably a Bad Book. If the characters think far more then they interact or actually converse, ditto. Especially applicable to short stories.
RE: 3. Do your villains have implicit/explicit homosexual tendencies that reflect the unthinking homophobia and unimaginative laziness of the author? If so, you might be reading a Bad Book.
Oooh, this delineates _Dune_. While opinion is divided (and the series of sequels is, from what I’ve tried to read, god-awful), it isn’t usually considered a bad book. Still, that was the 60s (and the 70s). Possibly the gay-villain trope signals a bad book not only as bigotry, but also because it’s a timeworn cliche?
If the main idea of the book seems to be that people just like the author are In Charge of Everything already secretly/after the apocalypse/in Heaven/
I’m looking at you, S.M. Stirling. I liked Dies the Fire *despite* that flaw, but it only gets worse as the series goes on.
This is great! I’d like to add one of my own, inpsired by an unfortunate encounter with Robin McKinley’s Chalice a few weeks ago:
If the book has a map in the front of it, but none of the places mentioned in the first chapter are located on the map, then you are probably reading a bad book!
Re #5: One caveat; if the lurking is tongue in cheek you’re probably okay.
Martin: Thank you for pointing out one of my pet peeves!
My addition: If it’s written as a letter/report/history then you are probably reading a bad book.
In principle I agree with this list. However, I don’t agree with the first item.
There are real people on this Earth who don’t have English names. There are real people on Earth who don’t follow the European/ North-American naming customs (first name, middle name, surname). There are even real people who don’t use the Latin alphabet. Why should fantasy names be only based on English customs?
Now, the homonym part I agree with!
[...] at LP links to a post at Feminist SF – The Blog! which gives tips on how to spot if you’re reading bad [...]
My two indicators: If, by the end of the first chapter, you know which character is the villain and which the hero, and, like him/her or not, you care more about the villain than the hero, it’s probably a Bad Book. If the hero is a cardboard cutout of all the virtues, ditch the book immediately.
If the book is set several centuries back, and the characters speak in 21st century jargon, it’s a Bad Book.
if your female characters sit around a lot thinking that a big strong hero will always protect them, even though they’re totally unworthy of the hero’s affection or respect… you have met, and been inspired by, my niece.
and if i were a writer, i wouldn’t want her crapping up the pages of my book. yet, what she has become is not entirely her fault. what the h3ll is society doing to its daughters.
@rowan: re. letter/book/history – agreed. exception: if it’s by stanislaw lem.
Thanks for the great laugh. This is perfect. Number 6 applies to all flavors of bad books. There are, by the way, a lot of them out there. I’d like to add one more criterion:
If you are reading the same information for the fourth time and you are only on page 50, you a probably reading a bad book.
I’d like to add another that comes from a book I finished recently.
If a character is mentioned in Chapter 3 (for example: “We had dinner with Joe and his girlfriend Julie.”) and that character is then introduced in Chapter 5 (“Joe finally asked out that girl Julie.”
…you are probably reading a bad book.
Editors, hello? Are you out there?
[...] make something of it?). In it is a story that I just had to investigate further entitled, “How to know if you are reading a bad book.” The VERY FIRST example was so clearly about my shameful literary obsession I laughed [...]
Number 4 instantly reminded me of a series by L. Ron Hubbard called “Mission Earth”. I usually devour any book I can get my hands on, but I returned this one to the library without even finishing the first!
If someone does anything with “arms akimbo”, it’s a Bad Book.
If main characters profess to hate each other, all the while having hot sex, it’s a Bad Book.
Unfortunately that leaves out all the very popular Janet Evanovich books. Darn.
This is terrific! I have one to add:
If the first or second chapter introduces a female character happily admiring her naked body while looking in a full-length mirror (ahem, Tom Clancy) then the book is probably a bad book (and also not written by a woman)!